HOW SOON IS TOO SOON??

Most often than not, we all set time lines for things to happen. Some call it good planning and others call it being well organised. When it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, be it serious or casual, we tend to have a time frame in mind that guide us on how we should progress.

I have been thinking about this lately and have begun to question some deep rooted ideas that i have had and therefore decided to just put it out there for you beautiful people!. 

How soon is too soon? how long do you have to talk to a person before you give them your phone number? How long do you have to wait to call or text someone for the first time? How long do you have to wait to meet someone after talking to them on the phone? How long do you have to wait before you share your first kiss? How long do you have to wait to tell someone you like them? How long until you have sex with someone and the biggest question, how long do you have to wait to tell someone you love them? ( i know it goes on and on and on and on but, hey! this is me you are talking to!) 

Society detects certain things for us. Rules that we have to live by and traditions we have to follow because, they are supposed to be for our own good.  If i meet a guy that i like and we hit it off, am i really gone wait for  him to call me first? I think that, as a woman, i like to be chased so,, yeah, that is one rule that i Will not leave unbroken. People like to feel wanted and that is a man's way of showing a girl that he wants to get to know her (or get in her pants!)  What i wish i knew was if men had rules regarding these things as well. Like how long they have to wait till they call someone. Once a man has initiated the first contact, i am allowed to return the favour as often as he does. When he asks me out for the first time, I'll be all up for that and if he wants to initiate the first kiss on the first date, depending on how badly i have wanted to kiss the guy, i won't mind really.  I f the man likes me enough to tell me so and i have the same feelings towards him, i will tell him. It is a chance you are taking after all!. That leaves us with the top two biggies of all time. the S word and the L word.

Let's start with 'sex'. Should you really wait for a while before you sleep with someone you have every intention of sleeping with anyway, just because, we think they'll respect us more? Most women definitely think so. I on the other hand, have got no opinion whatsoever on this particular issue.(don't judge me yet!) As far as i am concerned, men can be devious creatures.  If a man wants to just sleep with you and move on, he can be patient about it. He can play the game with you till you are 'ready'. Once my man gets what he wants, he will be out of there like hell itself was on his heels. On the other hand, you can sleep with someone on the first date and they will stay with you anyway because, they genuinely like you and want to be with you. The time frame you put on a sexual act will not really determine if you are gonna have a successful relationship or not. (my opinion, totally). Having said that, male friends of mine tell me sex is a weapon that a woman can use on a guy who really likes her because, let's face it, we all like to have power in a relationship. (women with the power of not giving it up and men with the power of how soon they can make you give it up!) That is where you have to be careful though. Admittedly, a man will appreciate a woman who made him beg a little or proved to be a challenge but, that does not guarantee that he will treat you right just because he waited 3 months or so for the sex. Hence, my reason for staying in neutral grounds when it comes to this particular topic.

The next big once is the Love word. Should a girl tell a guy she loves him first? Should a guy tell a girl he loves her first? How long do they have to be seeing each other before they say it to each other? That is the real scary one right? I have been reading a lot in regards to how love really works if its real and how it should be. What you never find out though is, how soon to tell someone you love them. I mean, you'd think that all those relationship advisers will have a definite answer on that but unfortunately, they don't. If you know you love someone for real, there is no guarantee that they will feel the same for you so, whatever you decide, it will be a risk anyway. You can choose to keep the feelings to yourself and never find out what the other person feels for you or you can chance it and see how it turns out. It is and will always be shrouded in uncertainty. That is love for you. But, there is no such thing as the right time to tell someone you love them because, if its planned, it does not come across as genuine.....

THINGS I LOVE IN LIFE: CHEATING: ACCIDENTAL OR PREMEDITATED???

THINGS I LOVE IN LIFE: CHEATING: ACCIDENTAL OR PREMEDITATED???: "Cheating. It is something that most people have indulged in on one or more occasions. right from the time when we gave our number to someone..."

CHEATING: ACCIDENTAL OR PREMEDITATED???

Cheating. It is something that most people have indulged in on one or more occasions. right from the time when we gave our number to someone else even though we weren't single to the time when we waited for our partner to go to work so we could sneak out and meet someone else.

What do you really consider as cheating though? Is it the sexual act, the thought or the flirting? i for one consider all of this as cheating. I mean, if my boyfriend had a text from some girl who is telling him that she had a nice time at the club, am jumping to conclusions. maybe, he didn't do anything other than just buy her a drink but, why did he giver her his number? there must have been something there right? (my opinion). If am out with someone and some next girl is making goo goo eyes at him and he looks like he is enjoying it and smiling in her direction and looks like he is encouraging it, well then alarm bells are gonna start ringing!! If there is evidence that the guy am with actually got it on with some other chick, then definitely, i am thinking he has cheated on me!!


Honestly though, there are degrees of cheating right? and there is also always someone to blame right? and we can always forgive someone for cheating on us depending on what really happened right? (erm, really?) i have two scenarios and a paragraph about blame!


How about this. I went out to a club and got mad drunk. met this cute guy who started dancing with me and he was drunk as well. we decided to take our 'conversation' somewhere more private. in doing this, we go to the back of the club or even the toilet and do the dirty instead of actually talking. (but, come on, we all knew we weren't really gonna talk right?). so, we done it, and go our separate ways after that. no exchange of phone numbers or BB pins or nothing like that. i don't even remember his name because i am so drunk. i wake up next day, with a massive headache and some recollection of what happened the night before. (OK, did i mention i was drunk?). Feeling guilty about it, am i really going to confess to my partner that i cheated on him with someone whose name i don't even know? its not like am gonna see him again right? and if i confess, is he going to believe me? i wasn't thinking straight. i was under the influence of the alcohol and i can't really be blamed surely?


The next scenario is this; i go shopping and bump into this really good looking guy and we get to talking. We realise we have a lot in common and enjoy each others' company. we exchange numbers and make plans to meet up again soon. I do not tell him i have a partner and he does not tell me he has one either. We text and call each other. i am sneaky with my partner and  very protective of my phone and email and IMs and everything else. I make plans to meet this other guy and we end up sleeping together. the thing is, it does not happen that one time but, goes on for a while. When my partner finally clocks on that something isn't right and confronts me, i have a choice. Confess or deny? now, confessing can lead to two things. forgiveness or not being forgiven. am i willing to lose my partner over some random guy am sleeping with or is my relationship more important than a fling that i can stop and erase all evidence of?


Now, when someone cheats, there always has to be another person there to take the blame. Honestly, we all know some women have no shame and will try and sleep with your man no matter what. and the worse thing is, they will rub it in your face. Goes for some men as well. when my man cheats on me, i am not blaming the girl so much. i mean, some girls were born hoes so, its not really their fault they will sleep with anyone right? the man however should know better shouldn't they? or the man who has got an agenda and they will sleep with any girl just to prove a point. so if this guy moves on your girl and she somehow succumbs to his charms, you are definitely not blaming the that guy right? Because, your girl should really have known better right?





In my eyes, cheating is cheating and nothing should excuse it. But saying that, i feel like a hypocrite because, if i am honest, i have done it and been forgiven and done it and been dumped. So what do i think? well....... forgiveness depends on whether it was accidental or premeditated.....



 

PAY AS YOU GO?

Ah, so, am back with the whole relationship stuff again and am exploring a whole new concept.(purely fictional)

The pay as you go concept. i mean, we all love to be in a relationship or not. depends really on what you consider a relationship. I have had most of them though and really, when all is said and done, i believe that, as well informed as i am on some aspects of the game, i am completely naive in others.

This brings me back to the title of this blog today. Exactly what is a pay as you go relationship? i actually had this idea when i was having a chat with a good friend of mine. he wanted to know why i always say i do not want a relationship so, i told him the truth. i like the pay as you go kind. Now, don't get me wrong, i am not opposed to the whole finding someone who is meant for you and living happily ever after crap but, honestly, at this stage in my life, i couldn't really be bothered to even think about settling down with what is not meant to be so, i decided; i like men. (obviously). men are more trouble than they are worth most often than not and really, why should i give all of this to one person just so they can take the piss when they feel like it? (am not cynical i swear).  Therefore, i came to understand that, in order to keep everyone happy? i am not doing the whole, am in this with you stuff. its strictly pay as you go.

Now, before you get your pants in a twist, what this means is that, i want to be with someone or some people (although, not at the same time). I just don't want to have to feel the need to be tied down to anyone. i don't have the patience to think about anything or anyone else but myself. Like i said to that really annoying guy on the phone when he asked me why i stood him up, i am just not used to thinking about other people. i love me first. i love you a bit when you are here but when you are not, i either top up or, go to a different network. (ah, pay as you go).

I want to be able to have freedom to do the things i really want to do anytime i feel like without having to answer to someone. I would really love it if i got a phone call from someone who's first question is not going to be 'where are you?' or, 'what are you doing?'. Dude, you are not my mother. i hate to have someone make me feel like they own me. therefore. here is my proposal: Let's be happy when we are happy. (that is when i see you) Don't please bug me with your jealousy and really really, do not feel the need to tell me how precious or enchanting or beautiful i am! (i have a mirror for that). See, if we signed a contract, ie, in a relationship, you will be obligated to do those but, this is a pay as you go relationship and to be honest, there has been a few people before you telling me all those things that you tell me and after a while, it gets kinda old u know?

That is all am rambling about tonight since i can't seem to get any sleep and i know am probably not making any sense at all....... *big grin on my face*

A NON RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP?

So, i was presented with a very interesting proposition the other day which i found ridiculous. (its totally fictional by the way!!) 
This person that i have liked for a while now and actually enjoy spending time with came up with this idea he thought will be perfect since i am dead set against having a relationship with anyone at all for the foreseeable future.

so, why don't you wanna be with me? do you not like me?
i like you a lot you know that. its just that, i find that relationships suck and i don't really wanna go down that road again if you know what i mean
but i really like you and want to be with you he said.
i know that babe, but you have to try and understand me. i like you top and i enjoy spending time with you but as i said, i am not ready i said.
maybe, you don't like me that much because if you did, nothing will stop you he replied.
its not like that. you know what it is. i just don't think am capable of what you want now and i do not want to hurt you in any way. that was me.
OK. i get what you are saying, but my point is, you cannot give up something without giving it a chance first he said.
OK, so by now, am losing patience a bit because, am not likely to change my mind. I knew i had to find a way to come to a compromise so i said to him, i still wanna see you though. i mean, when am around you, am happy.
i do not want to be your link he says.
i never said i wanted you to be my link i say back.
So, what you are saying is, we should continue to see each other but not have a relationship?
Yes i replied! finally seeing it my way i thought.
That's not good enough for me he said. i want more than that. i don't wanna be the guy you call when you feel like there is nothing else for you to do on a random day and call to come fuck!!! he was shouting at me now.
i tried to be calm as i replied. it really won't be like that babe, you won't be my link. we can still do stuff together, i said lamely.
He scowled at me adoringly and said slowly; OK, let me get it straight. you want to spend time with me right?
Yes, i replied.
You want to go out and do stuff like movies and dinners and ice skating and stuff right? he asked me.
I don't know about the skating bit but, yeah, we can do all the other stuff that you just said, i replied.
OK, he said, drawing in a deep breath, he came out and said this to me; so, basically. what you want is for us to be together without being together? Like, a relationship that is not really a relationship?
OK HOLD ON!! this is me shouting... now am confused. that is not possible is it? it'll just be like linking though won't it? i asked uncertainly.
Well, it will not be exactly like linking because we will be doing all the normal stuff as opposed to just jumping each others bones right he asked me back!
Well, i suppose you are right if you put it that way, i agreed. but really, you won't be my link or my boyfriend so, what else is there? I wondered out loud.
A relationship without a relationship, he said laughing and putting his arms around my waist, pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.
Ew, i said, can you please not say that out loud? 
He just laughed again and said; remember this was your idea beautiful. so, what would you call it? he asked curious.
Well....i drawled. i suppose we could say that we are seeing each other i guess. but, its not a no strings attached thing in any way so, do not even think about giving me any crap when i find you being friendly with some next chick. i huffed smiling angelically at him.
He looked at me for a few seconds before he burst out laughing again. 
Why are you laughing at me? i asked looking a little pissed.
Am not laughing at you he said. i just think you should make up your mind on what you really want and tell me when you have babe.
Fine! i replied. This is what i want. i want to do all the things that you mentioned (except ice skating) but i do not want to be called your girlfriend. does that make sense to you? i asked
He was trying not to laugh i could tell. but he said; OK. we can do that. only because you are crazy confused and totally irresistible!! 
Hahahaha, i laughed throwing my arms around him and pulling his face to mine to give him a long lingering kiss full of promises....
When we could breath again, he spoke softly and said; we'll have a none relationship relationship babe, if that is what you want.
EW!!  I exclaimed. i said, do not say that out loud i punched him lightly in the chest.
HE just laughed, pulled me into his arms for a hug and said; what ever you say beautiful confused girl...........

FEMINISM?? I THINK NOT!!

Most of the time, some of my girlfriends tell me i think like a man when i air my views about relationships. I think its mostly to do with my easy acceptance of how things are instead of dwelling on how people think it should be and if i can help it, i will not try to change a situation that is not within my control.

I suppose you could call it cowardice but recently, someone asked me an interesting question. He was wondering if i was a feminist and that got me thinking. I know my views are strong about certain things but i wouldn't go that far. As far as am concerned, there are certain things women should not have to do in relationships. The most important is not to think of a man as your husband if he hasn't put a ring on your finger. ( i don't really care what he has told you in secret)!!or whatever. that is just setting your self up for disappointment (but hey, don't listen to me, am the last person to give relationship advise seeing as i suck so much at them!!) 

I don't think a woman should have to be able to do certain things like cook for her to be marriageable!! i mean, come on!! isn't that kind of hypocritical? if a man wants an independent woman who can do her own stuff and help look after the family, he shouldn't expect to get a bloody Stepford wife!!!! 

But back to my point, enough of my ramblings, i do believe that men and women are equal in every way.especially in this modern world we live in. I mean , sure, tradition is good too but.... but, i will not stand for certain things that most people concern themselves with these days. I know some people will probably dislike me a little or a lot for my views but really, am a writer and to be honest, the whole what people think of me matters notion is completely lost on me. (look at me rambling again!!) anyway, as i was saying, i expect to have links, yes as many as i want and at any time that i want. what, should i just sit in my house and wait for Mr right? I don't think so! i have needs for crying out loud and they cannot wait for Mr right! 

When i do get in a relationship with someone, i do not expect him to expect certain things from me or vise versa. for example, i do not expect every guy i date to marry me or have that on his mind! can you imagine how tedious my life will be? how many broken hearts?  jeez, one is enough!! To be perfectly honest, when it comes to marriage, i DO think like a man. why spoil a good thing? that is my motto. do you know how many marriages end in divorce these days? not to mention cheating husbands. Look at it this way, if we ain't married and you cheat or i cheat, we can both walk away from it with no legalities involved, thank you very much!. My second point is, a woman should not have to be able to know how to cook or clean your house or be nice to you friends or kiss your holy ass for her to be marriageable. The only logical reason to wanna marry someone should be an equal amount of love and stupidity!! I really hate it when men go on about girls they are seeing who cannot cook. blud, if you want a cook, go marry auntie Bessie or something you get me? My aunt used to tell me my husband will put my soup in a bottle and post it to my mum someday because, i did not know how to cook when i was young! (yeah, laugh out loud) 

As far as am concerned, relationships, whether serious or not should be equal. after all, what's good for me is good for you but, what do i know eh? i am a 20something who is single and happy to have men doing stuff for me and having no intention of marrying anyone anytime soon!

Money Or Looks????

this is a topic that has always been important to me and i know most people wonder about this as well. i am a very materialistic woman... (don't get me wrong, let me explain first) 

i mean, i look good, no doubt about that!! i place a lot of stock in how a person looks and carries themselves. at the same time, i love MONEY!! i mean, who doesn't? look at how people wake up early in the morning, in winter and travel great distances just to make some money. when it comes to relationships though, there is a conflict. the thing is, i am not waking up everyday at 6:30 the morning to go to work only to end up with a broke man. at the same time, i am not going to be with someone just because of what is in his wallet or credit card... even though that helps. you see the conflict here?

the worst bit though, is when we mix looks with money. i mean, i know a lot of women who do not mind what a man looks like as long as they are paying up.(the classic gold digger). there is also the type of woman who will mix the the two. (date a man who has both looks and money) and the last one is the one or the other kinda gal!! i wonder what category you will place yourself in. 
as far as i am concerned, i am a bit of the second and third one. definitely not the first. i mean, i do not care how much money you have, if you look like SHAKA ZULU, its a deal breaker for me!  as much as i don't like broke men, i will not go out with someone i will not feel proud walking next to. 


if it comes down to it, i will most likely go with the good looking 20 something year old who is starting out in life just like me than be with the 30something with the flashy cars and platinum credit cards who's only dream is to spoil me rotten but looks like errr.... someone not so good looking!. so what if the guy i want because of the looks is broke, arrogant and everything my mum warned me against? my only concern at that point will be how good he will look walking next to me, how many heads will turn to watch us when we walk past as opposed to the other one. i mean sure, people will look at his flashy car and go like wow!! but then as soon as we get out of the car, the first thing in everyone's head will be like 'you know she is with him for the money'!!! i know that is how i will think so, i will not be a hypocrite and pretend others will think good thoughts.


my ideal man though will have to have both. especially the looks. i always lean more towards the looks. call me crazy, i mean money is good. (the best things in life are expensive. just go into selfridges!!) but at the same time, i want to look good with my expensive shopping bags and the good looking man who paid for the stuff in the bags... see, i told you i was materialistic!!!