WHY AM I SINGLE?

I always have to smile when people act shocked when i tell them i am single. I mean really, it's not that big a  deal. There are thousands of twenty something single women out there. There is also factors involved as to why people are the way they are. I could give you a million and one reasons why i remain single.

By choice; this is because, i am tired of trying just to fail. I have been with different people and it all ultimately comes down to one thing. None of them is the right one in the end. 

Independence; because i like being my own person. I don't like having to answer to anyone and i certainly do not want to depend on someone for my happiness because it is scary. 

Afraid of being hurt; this is because, i know i am probably going to come out of whatever relationship i go into worse off because i am too trusting and men take advantage of that and take the piss..

All these reasons i have given are valid and true but, it is also a load of bullshit! No one in their right minds will want to stay single by choice (unless they have an unhealthy love for cats!) I mean, who wouldn't love to wake up next to a warm body in the mornings? Who wouldn't want to go on dates and hold hands and share kisses and all the other stuff you do in a relationship? Independence is just a defensive mechanism for the woman who isn't getting any. I mean, i am independent don't get me wrong but, that is not a reason to be single. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes like that song 'Lean On Me' . As much as i love buying my own shoes and paying for my own drinks in clubs and doing everything for myself, it will be nice to have someone pick up the slack sometimes right? One hand washes the other and all that stuff. Afraid of being hurt? Really, who isn't? Everyone who has got a heart is afraid someone might break it if they give them a chance. So, being afraid of giving my heart is also a moot point because, i am basically saying that i am a coward. (how about that?) Looks like i have killed most of my reasons for being single because, they were stupid to begin with so, let's get down to the real reasons shall we?

Ultimately, i have only one reason for being single and it's that i have issues. Yes, big ones. Like huge issues. That is why i am single. You know, when you start dating, you find out things about yourself. Some good and some will be bad. I guess you could say that it is an educational experience. Every time you meet someone, they bring out something different in you and when it ends, you learn a little bit more about the wrong way or the right way to do things. 
Having said that, i know that i have deep rooted beliefs about certain things that make it hard for me to get close to people. I am afraid that i will love someone so much they will see it and run away from me. I am afraid i will not love someone enough and that will put them off me. I am afraid that i am too pig headed to listen to anyone tell me what to do. I am afraid that, i am too argumentative to have a peaceful relationship. I am afraid that i love one person so much that i can't seem to have any of me left to give to someone else if i try. I am afraid that he won't be good in bed and I'll cheat and vice versa. I am afraid that when it comes down to it, i will not be good enough for anyone.


These are some of my issues and i haven't even touched the surface yet so, if you ask why someone like me, who isn't only good looking (i know) but, is independent, domesticated and all round sex god is single..... I HAVE ISSUES!
 

LETTER TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Dear love of my life,

First of all, i hope you are doing great wherever you are. It has taken me a while to put this letter together and send it off to you so, bare with me if some of the things i say upset you.

So, i have been looking for you for twenty seven years and it's still not clear exactly where you are. I mean, i have been searching since i was 18? All i have had was little glimpses of you that always made me hope only for that hope to be crushed. Like that time when i thought i found you. Only it wasn't you was it? You tricked me into thinking that the guy who was always parked outside my house waiting for me was you. Yeah, i bet you remember him! The one who used to write me a bunch of letters when i was in boarding school and send me pizza and money by courier all the time. You really had me fooled that time because, you got even my mother believing that it was really you. Only it wasn't. It turned out you were doing the dirty with one of my friends behind my back and it was really a good day when i found the two of you together!!


Oh oh.. what about that time when you tried to change me into something i wasn't and i let you do it because i believed you had changed your ways and i really wanted your mother to like me? Yeah, that didn't go down well did it? Because, you never supported me when i was going through all the problems that came with me trying to please you and your mother and in the end, it turned out you were not even worth it because you had no backbone you mama's boy!! (rolls eyes).


OK, fine. so, you showed your face again and it was actually very pleasant for a while because everyone liked you and you were very desirable so, i was happy. I thought that this time, it was the real thing. I must admit, i was unfair to you because, i met that other guy who was clearly not you and run off with him for a while but, i came back to you!! We were all lovey dovey and almost married because your mum was crazy about me and all that but, i just moved away for a bit and you were doing the skankiest girl we both knew! (how could you?)  You see how many times you tried to mess with my head? It was so unfair.


Yes!! what about that time when you showed up again in that African shop? I was so set against even looking at you but, you tried and tried and tried and i actually decided to give you a chance. Remember when we used to ride the bus all the way from west to south just to get Chinese cos we were both so Young and broke but we didn't mind? You were at your most considerate then but, alas, that did not last did it? We were going strong when you bought your bicycle, i couldn't ride it with you but, you always made me feel so loved and protected and looked after. When you had your first major job, you used to buy me things i never even asked for and i loved that about you. I even gave you your own ring tone on my phone and we used to send each other silly texts and pictures all the time. 
Then, i got my big job and suddenly, you changed. Other men started noticing me and you didn't like it. You started getting clingy and wouldn't even let me breathe.  I didn't do any thing to hurt you but you started getting out of hand and when you bought your car, it got worse. You cheated on me with that white girl and i got pissed of and did you the same but, you still wouldn't leave. It was like you were a different person. You used to call me at odd hours just to make sure i was home. I had to run far away from you and change my number because you scared the shit outta me!!


You showed up again when i least expected it. You were so handsome this time around with your bad boy persona, i never stood a chance. I fell so hard and fast for you. I was doing stuff for you that i had no business doing because you made my lady bits tingle and even though you had a kid and a crazy baby mama, i didn't mind at all. I remember when we found our flat and how much fun we had decorating it and playing house. You used to make nice dinners for me and rub my feet when i was tired. I loved to show you off to my friends and when you used to surprise me by coming to my work place just to take me to lunch, i was always so happy and proud when everyone said i had the perfect man. But you changed. You started getting so demanding that i didn't know what to do. I tried to cope and it was OK for a while. But, you just kept on pushing and pushing and when i couldn't take it anymore and asked you to go, you went and stole so much from me in the process. I had to move away and change my number because of things you did.


So... i finally found you again. After a long break and convincing myself that i didn't need you anymore. This time though, it was so real. I was so optimistic that you will not be the same. You made me feel safe and happy because i believed you when you said you will always be honest with me. Everyone thought it was a match made in heaven because we both had qualities that the other wanted. There was so much drama surrounding us but, we didn't mind (or i didn't mind) Because you did. You believed lies others told you because you had your own agenda. It was unbelievable how much i was willing to give up for you because, you told me it was meant to be. How could that be possible when you already belonged to someone else though? You were never truly mine to keep but i kept on. I chased after shadows for so long it was destroying me right in front of every one's eyes but, you didn't care. Funny thing is, of all the times you made an appearance, this was the one time i gave myself up completely because it felt right and natural to do so. You were the first one to make me cry and i still do sometimes when i think about all the humiliation and pain that i went through at you hands and when you finally told me you felt the same for me, i found it really hard to believe because, you never showed it. It is just words that were said. There never was any action to support this.


So we have come full cycle and am still waiting for you. How much longer do you want me to wait though? Did i find you just in time to have to let you go again? Will you keep doing this to me till i can't take it no more? One thing is for certain though, i am no longer waiting for you. i have spent almost ten years in search of you and i am tired. When you are ready to stop playing games, am sure you'll know where to find me.


Your long suffering Juliet.

CLUELESS RUMBLINGS OF THE GIRLY KIND: WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?

CLUELESS RUMBLINGS OF THE GIRLY KIND: WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?: "We all think we deserve better in life. We want the finest things. We want to live in a nice house, drive nice cars, eat in the best of rest..."

WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?

We all think we deserve better in life. We want the finest things. We want to live in a nice house, drive nice cars, eat in the best of restaurants, have the best of friends and so on. It's no different when it comes to relationships. We want to be with the best person, who does everything to make us happy. Someone who will never hurt us intentionally and love us no matter what right? Do you think you deserve something like that though? Are you doing all you should to ensure you get that tailor made relationship you dream of?

Sometimes, people end up in relationships that they really shouldn't be in. The worse thing about it is that the stay. For the sake of what, i don't know. All i know is that, if you think its not for you, you shouldn't be there because, you being there is your way of saying it's what you deserve.

Take the woman who is so 'in love' with her man that she decides to over look all his flaws in order to make it work. I mean, that is all well and good but, at what cost though?Would you deliberately make yourself unhappy for the sake of making something work? How are you going to make something that makes you unhappy work? Won't you be even more unhappy if it works that way? Is that what you deserve? My my! Too many questions huh? 


If you are in a situation where you feel like you have lost yourself completely and have no way of going back, then you have accepted that you deserve the scraps that you are getting. Don't get m,e wrong, every relationship has it's problems but, there are problems and there are PROBLEMS. I have meet and interacted with people that are so clearly unhappy but don't want to leave because 'it's hard to find a good man these days'!!! errrr... if you were with a good man, you would be happy surely! I say to them, they deserve what they are getting because, they are not doing anything to change a bad situation. Yes it's true that a good man is hard to find these days and yes it's true that letting go of something can be next to impossible sometimes but, what about what is awaiting in your future? The only way you can find out is if you tell yourself that you deserve better and act on it.

WHAT IS YOUR EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY?

Let's face it, sometimes, people go through so many things relationships wise that it gets to a point where they can't really be bothered to try anymore. They have been there, done that, seen it, heard it so its nothing new. Some may come across as heartless because, as much as they may like you, they just don't have It in them to show you how they really feel anymore. There is always something holding them back. Something that is always at the back of their minds because of the past.

Would you really waste your time on someone like that though? Do you think that they might change if you continue to show them love and care? Would you think that the person is emotionally unavailable and just move on? Consider a scenario where you have been with someone for a few months and they suddenly get up and tell you that, they are sorry but they don't know how to show emotion? How would that make you feel knowing that you have invested some time and effort into whatever it is that you had?
I personally would probably not be angry or upset because, i am probably as emotionally as unavailable as the next person


The other scenario i would like to consider is when you have the same state of mind as the person you are with but, you try your best to treat them as fairly as possible but get nothing in return? Worse still what if said person tells you that they cannot get too serious with you because someone broke their heart 5 years ago? I mean, most people i know including me have been broken hearted a time or two in our lives but, it goes without saying that we all need somebody at some point in time right?


The thing is, it gets to a point in time when people just simply stop trying. People don't see the point in impressing others because they have got the mind set that they will be broken hearted anyway? Would you really bother if you felt that way? Would you do the whole 100 texts a day and God knows how long on the phone every night you are not with the person you're dating? I really find it difficult to even be impressed by anyone nowadays but, this ain't about me right now!


Consider this though, people can be in love with others and not be with them. they may be with someone else but, do you think someone who is already in love with another person will ever be emotionally available to you? Personally, i don't think that is possible because you see, no matter how much they may like you, they are in fact, already emotionally involved. It is not cheating by any means, but, they will never be that all important connection that makes a relationship a good one. And let's face it, you can never be that person that they love. If you are lucky, they may grow to love you in a way, but it will never be like before and the connection will never be on the same level. Take the couple who fight a lot even though they have been together for maybe a month or so. If they are both emotionally unavailable, that will not stop because, they are just not right for each other. I used to believe that a man has to be as messed up as i am to be able to keep up with me but, come to think of it, that will be a step backwards right? (this is so not about you miss writer!)


How would you handle someone who is emotionally unavailable? Would you stay and hope that they connect with you someday? Would you leave thinking that there is better for you out there or would you just be as unavailable as they are?

ARE WE MADE FOR A SPECIFIC PERSON??

Sometimes, we meet someone and they change our lives completely. Whether it's good or bad, we are altered. You never see things the same and no matter what happens, you can't get rid of that person because, your life just won't make sense without them. It could be the absolute worse person or the best person but, that won't stop us feeling a certain way about them.

It feels like your lives are connected in so many ways that, they are always going to be around and it's just right when you're together. (I know this is a long intro but, its necessary!) The question though is, are we made for a specific person? That no matter what, it'll come back to them? I know most people believe in fate and true love and the whole whats yours always come back and blah blah.

If we are made each for a specific person, then how will we even know when it's the right person? (Ha! Now, this is where my opinion comes in obviously!) There are some people that no matter what happens,we can't get over. They make your heart race every time and yessss.... You get the all important butterflies whenever they are around. That's not how you know though. I suppose its how well you fit together. We don't tell everyone we date everything about us but, we don't feel the least bit uncomfortable telling them our worse secrets. Letting them see the best and worse bits of us because it is just who were are and the scary thing is, no one gets scared. (not really)


Don't get me wrong though, it will not always be smooth sailing and even though some people are lucky enough to have it early, others have a hard time finding that person or not finding them at all. I suppose i get why some people have of and on relationships. Not to say they are always with the right one. Some people are just masochistic like that!!.

i think though that, once you meet that person you were made for, nothing will even matter to you anymore. It don't matter how many times you date others, you will never truly belong to anyone else. even if doesn't work out for you.. because its not always gonna work out. (life is twisted like that) You will never quite feel right until you are with that someone because, they were made for u just as surely as u were made for them.What do i know though right?

Like i said about the butterfly effect, i want that person that was made especially for me. 

WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE?

Most of us will confess to having fallen in love at least once in this life. We all have different meanings to what love is and often times, we make the mistake of confusing lust for love. What i really want to talk about though is, how does love feel like?

I could probably ask a dozen people and get different answers to this question because people believe that is happens differently for everyone but, i am sure that there are similarities in there somewhere that makes the whole love concept believable right? 

Lets take for example what happens when we meet someone we are attracted to. You get the whole sweaty palms thing. Heats starts to spread through your body and you feel suddenly hot. your pupils become dilated and you just feel an invincible pull towards that person. Most often, the person you are feeling this attraction to will have similar symptoms to you and then when your eyes meet, you hear the whole violin and slow motion thingy! (yeah right!).  That is one theory. 

What about the bit where you get that electricity shock thing going when the person you feel this pull toward touches you? and you get those goosebumps that make you shiver even though its not cold and you are in fact feeling very warm? Or the burn that starts in your stomach and works its way down to your other parts and you get the feeling that only that one person can soothe?


These are all legitimate chemical reactions that we have when we meet someone that appeals to us in a certain way that has nothing to do with friendship. But, can we honestly say that is what love feels like? It surely is more than a chemical reaction and after much research on this subject, (believe me, i have done a lot of research thanks to google and some men I'd sooner forget about)! i have come to the conclusion that, it has more to it than just chemistry.


Love feels like you are bound to a person. As in, you cannot function properly if they are not around you. You have to have some amount of contact with the other person at all times if you are together. Like holding hands for example. Most people these days do that to mark their territory but, the truth is, when you have that intense connection with someone, not being able to touch them will feel painful. (for reals!).  That person has got some sort of power over you but the best thing about it is, you have that same amount of power over them as well and you will literally put their needs before yours. Whatever makes them happy is what you will do. Even if it will hurt you in the end. You think about them all the time and when they touch you or kiss you, you get butterflies in your stomach. You go around acting like you are on cloud nine or some high grade weed because, it just rocks like that. 


I believe that, there is only one person like that for everyone and once you have experience it, your life will be completely altered and nothing can ever compare. Even if it does not work out for the two of you, you will never have that intense feeling about someone else. That's probably why they say there is someone for everyone and not there is some people for everyone. And, if you truly love someone and they break your heart, it physically hurts! (scientific fact)!!


because life  is most times unfair, you don't get theses feelings that have been described above returned all the time but, if you do and it's lost, what ever you go in for again will be second best. My advise to myself is simple really, i am waiting for the butterflies and goosebumps because, i haven't felt them yet.